Men Can Be Victims Of Domestic Violence And Coercive Control As Well:

Publicly we hear a lot about domestic violence and coercive control against female victims, but when it comes to male victims there seems to be radio silence. I’ve found that when people do try to highlight the issue of male victims, the old catch-cry of “but statistically speaking this violence happens more to women”. As if that somehow makes the abuse towards male victims  irrelevant. It’s quite a sick and twisted argument when you really think about it – to try and dismiss any abuse towards any human being. I don’t think any human, regardless of gender, deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form!

Nor do I think the “statistics” represent anywhere near an accurate account of such events (for either gender). Especially when it comes to male victims! Societally speaking, we have conditioned men to believe that reporting such abuse at the hands of a woman would make them “weak”. We have badgered men into believing that they aren’t allowed to have feelings or emotions – that to publicly show them would somehow make them less of a man. There’s a huge underlying psychological barrier that prevents men from reporting such events…

I’ve seen this both in my personal and professional worlds; it’s a HUGE problem that society needs to start addressing, especially considering the male suicide rate. The suicide rate is one of the few statistics that we can actually rely on for an accurate account, because deaths have to be registered by law in Australia. It’s a scary statistic, and we need to start publicly acknowledging some of the reasons why that rate is so high!

Personally, I first saw this kind of abuse between my dad and one of his ex-wives. She loved to use coercive control by using their daughter as a tool for manipulation. Unfortunately, the children seem to be used as a common pawn in this coercive game of chess; totally at the expense of the children, of course. And the courts are geared to –almost always– take the woman’s side. My father was never allowed to form a proper relationship with this child because her mind was poisoned from a very young age by her mother. Even when the child became an adult, the damage was too great to repair. It’s an all-too-common occurrence, unfortunately!

I’ve also seen this with numerous other family members, friends, and clients; the problem is everyone around them can (usually) see what is going on. Except for the victims themselves. These types of abusers are crafty with their manipulation tactics; planting seeds in their victim’s mind that manipulate them into thinking things are their fault, or decisions made are their own idea. First, the woman typically starts to berate their male victim publicly, embarrassing them in front of their family and friends. Then, once the family and friends start verbalising concern to the victim about the abuser’s behaviour, the abuser plays the victim to coerce the actual victim into isolation away from his family and friends who have become “problematic” to the abuser. They make their victim believe that their family and friends are the problem. But realistically, most family and friends just want their loved one to be happy. There’s usually a very good reason when an entire family and group of friends have a problem with the partner!

Once she has her prey isolated from the support of people who actually care about their best interest, that’s when the real green eyed monster appears. First, it starts with emotional abuse. The belittling, the name calling, the emasculation of their male psyche. It’s a complete annihilation of any self-worth that the victim has. In many cases, this then escalates to physical abuse as well; the abuser is usually very good at picking a victim who would never hit a lady back. They wouldn't do it against a male that they knew they couldn’t overpower.  

This is where it makes it very hard for any abuse victim (male or female) to get away from the abuser. Once they are isolated from support, and their self-worth has been obliterated, the fear to leave is crippling for the victim! Women victims will typically come back to their family once they finally find the courage to leave, but unfortunately, a lot of men are too embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed to come back to their family for support. It’s another concerning psychological barrier that men have to face against their manhood in these types of situations.

It’s a very concerning, dangerous and lonely situation for them!

I see this all the time at work with male clients, and to get them to try and open up about this sort of abuse can be challenging. But I find once I show love, care and compassion, without judgement, and explain the psyche of their female abuser, then this macho barrier starts to break down. I see them sigh a big relief, and tears usually start to flow with the realisation that they have, in fact, been in a very abusive and controlling relationship. I work hard to explain to them that it’s not their fault. That they ended up in this situation because of their unprocessed childhood trauma and/or conditioning. To see the recognition and acceptance that they have been abused shows me that they are finally ready to heal. It’s actually a beautiful moment to witness – the realisation that they are worth so much more than being treated like that! 

You see, it doesn’t matter what gender someone is, abuse is abuse, and none of it is ok! None of it should be condoned, ignored, or dismissed. ALL victims deserve to be heard, to be loved, to be supported. End of story!!!

#abusevictims #maleabusevictims #abuse #violence #coercivecontrol