People Always Show You Who They Are:

A wise lady once told me “People always show you who they are, it’s just a matter of whether you’re ready to see it or not”. As she spoke those words to me it permeated throughout the fabric of my being, as only truth could. It made me flicker through all the filed away data in my mind. Data of how many times I had noticed red flags about someone when I first met them, but talked myself deep into the trenches of denial. Only to later be slapped in the face with so many red flags my denial could no longer live in the shadow of my desires. Why? Because sometimes the desire for our wants overrides the disappointment of reality.

I was reminded of how true this saying can be this week when I was talking to a lady I know. She’s an older lady who had spent much of her later years single. A few years back she met a man who appeared to be nice and charming. She ended up selling her beautiful home that was in a very affluent area to purchase a home with this man in the countryside.

Of late, I’ve noticed that she seems quite miserable, and I could tell she was regretful of selling her home. When I probed a little further, I discovered that she is incredibly unhappy with this man and wished she never made the move. She now, sadly, feels financially trapped.

She mentioned to me about their first date and I couldn’t help but gasp in horror as she described the first of many red flags about him. He asked her out to dinner, and when it came time to pay he said to her “I’d love to pay for you, but I’m a self-funded retiree so I can’t afford to”. Now, in Australia being a self-funded retiree means that you have so much money in your retirement fund that you are not entitled to a Government pension. So, the fact he stated that and then said he couldn’t afford a $50 dinner is the ultimate insult and red flag!

When I said to her “Oh dear, that was a big red flag”, she regretfully responded “I know, but I was just so happy at the idea of being in a relationship that I ignored all of the red flags”. She also listed a string of other red flags that he displayed long before she got to the point of selling her house.

Now, I’m certainly not knocking her for this. We have all done this at one point or another in our lives. In fact, I recently got caught with this again myself. A lady I’ve known for a good ten-years has always displayed an attitude of entitlement, especially when it comes to money and having to pay for things. My past experience with her has always shown me that when it comes to paying up, she believes she’s entitled to it for nothing. I, for some reason, convinced myself that she had matured and wasn’t like that anymore. I stupidly ignored all of the past evidence, and agreed to do something for her. As I said yes on the phone, I felt my gut pull at me. My instincts were screaming at me to say no, but the pull of denial overshadowed my natural instincts. And, surprise, surprise, the entitled person that she’s always displayed, showed up in all of her glory. When this happened, I didn’t react to her because I had absolutely no one to blame but myself. I knew exactly who she was, it’s who she had consistently shown to me over the years, and I ignored all of the red flags.

I was pissed. Not pissed at her. I was pissed at myself because I let this happen. I’ve gotten really good over the years at recognising these red flags, acknowledging them when they appear, and trusting my instincts about them. But, it’s a good reminder that every now and again, no matter how mindful we are, one will slip through the goal post. Sometimes we just need to learn a hard lesson in order to progress forward. The experience certainly made me reassess some things, and make a few changes that can only be beneficial for me in moving forward. However, these kinds of mistakes are not something that you want to make a habit of. Especially when it comes to big life events!

It’s important to train ourselves to watch out for these early stage red flags, and mindfully question ourselves when we notice that we are trying to convince ourselves that these red flags aren’t a problem. We must ask ourselves “Why am I trying to convince myself that my gut instinct is wrong? Would I even be having this internal dialogue if it wasn’t a red flag? Are my desires trying to overshadow the truth?”

When we mindfully ask ourselves these types of questions, it’s hard to continue with the charade of denial. Because the truth is, if someone or a situation is right then we wouldn’t feel the need to try and convince ourselves otherwise. The other dead give-away is when you catch yourself trying to convince everyone else around you that the person/situation is right. Again, if it was right and you weren’t in denial, then there would be no need for all of the convincing. This also applies when someone/something is right for you (green flags) and you catch yourself trying to convince yourself that it’s wrong because deep down you’re fearful of change, rejection, getting hurt, etc. The red flag is always in the need for self-convincing!

We won’t always successfully listen to these red flags. At times, in order to learn and grow it’s necessary that we don’t. But, part of that learning and growing is the ability to acquire wisdom that helps us to trust in the power of our own instincts. When we strengthen that internal power, we strengthen our discernment – a skill that doesn’t make our life perfect, but, certainly makes our lives less bumpy along the way.

It’s easy to pass the blame onto the other person for doing wrong by us, however, the real blame lies in our denial of the red flags. Because people ALWAYS show us who they really are, it’s just a matter of whether we are ready to see it or not!!!

#openyoureyes #truecolours #peoplealwaysshowyouwhotheyare #redflags #greenflags