Your Outer World Is Determined By Your Inner World:
- Stacey Sellars
- Jan 31
- 4 min read
For many years my life was filled with chaos, drama, and a string of bad relationships, both romantically and platonically.
It didn’t matter who came into my life, the same pattern always seemed to play out; me over giving and over sharing, which always resulted in me feeling hurt, used and abused. For years I stayed trapped in this cycle because I believed that I was just a product of bad luck. I truly felt that I was a hard-done-by victim. I was placing all of the blame on everyone outside of myself; it was that friend who was the problem, that boyfriend, that acquaintance. Geez, it was even the Universe's fault — she kept punishing me and I just couldn’t figure out why.
The Victim Mentality and Repeating Relationship Patterns
I had a terrible victim mentality because I wasn’t prepared to look at the real reason – ME. It never occurred to me that I was always the common denominator, nor did it occur to me as to why that was. This refusal to look within and ask myself these questions was absolutely why these same relationship patterns kept recurring, regardless of how many new people came through my life.
Inner Healing Is What Changes Your Outer Reality
It wasn’t until I was brave enough to look within and start doing the inner healing work that things started to change. Now, I’m not saying that a lot of these people didn’t treat me badly, because the truth is a lot of them did. But that wasn’t the real problem — the problem was that I didn’t value myself enough to put a stop to being mistreated in the first place.
People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
People Pleasing, Self-Worth, and Over-Giving
Because I felt so worthless on the inside, that is how I showed up in my relationship dynamics. I’d let people walk all over me — it’s a common by-product of being a people pleaser, and being a people pleaser is a by-product of having little to no self-worth.
I felt that the only way to get people to like me was to over-give. Unfortunately, the problem with over-giving is that people who will happily over-receive are typically users who aren’t worthy of such generosity.
How Healing Self-Worth Transforms Relationships
It took me a very long time to figure out where I was going wrong, and then it took me a very long time to heal the parts of me that led to having no self-worth. But when I started to do this, that’s when my outer reality started to dramatically shift.
I went from having very toxic relationships filled with betrayal and drama, to now having the most loving and respectful relationships that one could ever wish for.
Today, I only have beautiful people with beautiful hearts in my life, and that is because of the deep inner work and healing I’ve done on myself.
Of course, I still meet people who aren’t the best in their character, but there are two very important differences now:
I have much better discernment in recognising these people in the first place, which allows me to prevent them from entering my inner circle.
When one does occasionally slip through the goal post, I’m much quicker and swifter at either removing them from my life or limiting how much of my energy they have access to.
Protecting Your Energy and Setting Healthy Boundaries
If I notice that someone is taking too much from me — either in time or energy — and the quality of our interaction isn’t serving my highest good, I instantly put a shield of protection around me. I value myself too much now to allow these types of people to mistreat me anymore.
If you notice that you’re always feeling drained after spending time with someone, take that as a sign that you need to protect yourself. Good people should leave you feeling energised.
Healthy Relationships Feel Safe, Nourishing, and Loving
Yesterday, I caught up with a good friend of mine. She cooked me breakfast, made me a coffee, and we sat there laughing and chatting away. I left feeling so happy and grateful, as I always do after seeing her.
When I got home, I couldn’t help but think of how many special friends I have like this in my life now. Each and every one of them makes me laugh, makes me smile, and most importantly, makes me feel love and gratitude deep within my heart.
These are the kinds of relationships we deserve, and they are the kinds of relationships we attract when we learn to love ourselves from within.
If you don’t have these types of sacred bonds in your life, then it’s time to look within and create that sacred bond with yourself first.
We must fix our inner world in order to change our outer world.
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